Preaching and Acting on Forgiveness even when it feels Impossible

Matthew 18: 21 - 22  Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if my brother or sister sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy times seven times.

I have decided that a moment of maturity for a person is when one recognizes what Jesus means by forgiving a sinner many times in one person's life.   

I have not thought about what it really means to have to forgive someone that many times until the past year and as I have reflected on the past year I have recognized we teach forgiveness in a way that is harmful. This was a moment of maturing for me to understand how people who I knew deeply and people I will never know could be at the center of a constant practice of forgiveness.  

When you are in the depths of the hardship of a crisis and have been harmed in a way from a person that will leave a lasting impact on you, forgiveness feels next to impossible.

In church we are told to give grace to the people that harmed us and in some cases find ways to work with the person again.  In secular society it is often talked about as a way that it needs to be said to the person, talked out hand shook upon and some behavior is going to change.  The truth is that both cases are wrong. In most cases you can’t ever sit down with the person that harmed you, or it may not be safe.  

The other thing is that they may never change their behaviors either. Forgiveness is a constant internal act that has to be done regularly, and you do not have to give grace at the extent of harm. Grace is something that is given by God and something we are to try and practice in our lives but grace should not equate to allowing yourself to be harmed even more as the victim.  

This past year I was attacked by a dog, it was a vicious and unprovoked attack. Not only did I have to forgive the dog owner for not doing their job, for a year he was not honest about what happened.  I would answer to peers about it being tragic while for others he spun a very different story, that led me to be hurt and isolated.  I have been careful to put this story out in such a small community but through this year, I as the victim gave so much grace that it led to more harm for me.  I spent a year seeing my attacker (the dog), being talked about by peers and even disinvited to stuff because of a lack of honesty.  The constant day by day pain of this situation has been the daily reminder of having to forgive, the scene of the attack is at the elevator that I wait by daily, a constant reminder.  Every time I look in the mirror, I wear makeup to try and hide what to me is so self-conscious of my lip that has never fully healed, and I walk into every space wondering what people think of the attack.  

While I have spent a year facing the dog and the owner of the dog attack, I have also had to forgive a person that I will never meet and could never have the chance to reconcile with. I will never meet the woman who was the director of  the group home, which led to my friend's death.  Her negligence led to my friend leaving the group home, walking for more than a mile and being hit by a car.   

Morgan was born with a disability and far exceeded all expectations for what she could do in life.  We had been friends since I was in 6th grade and even when I went to college we talked every week by phone and saw one another several times a year.  This forgiveness to the director is something that I will have to navigate every week for the missed phone calls, every birthday and every holiday.  As I leave my door daily a card from Morgan is framed on the wall that says she loves me and will see me again soon, but heaven is never close enough.  The director is not a person that I will face and get to talk with, but the anger in situations like this also can not harm you as the victim and let it control you. While I am having to forgive her, I am sure she is having to forgive herself for not protecting a disabled adult in her care. My forgiveness is tied to the anger that I will not have the chance to have another earth side moment with my beloved friend and never got a proper goodbye because of how she managed the group home.  She will forever have to live with the knowledge that for whatever reason she did not protect Morgan, and live knowing her actions could have prevented the tragic day.  I don’t have a desire to meet her at this time and may never have one, but forgiveness allows for healing and to know there is life after it.  

Until the past year I never had a word to describe some bad theology.  In any sort of religious spaces we must be careful about how we preach the crucifixion and resurrection of how we forgive people and look at sin.  This is a term called atonement theory, and I have opinions.  Dear men and women, if you are in a relationship that is not right for you DO NOT STAY IN IT just because Christ died for your sins and their sins.  He did indeed die for us but not for us to stay with that partner. 

I left my relationship a long-term one, and one that many people thought was the person I would marry.  I stayed silent for a long time and I have had to forgive the behaviors, the addiction and the lack of partnership that brought us to this place.  I am leaving out the gory details because that is not fair for either party but when people lose what it means to be a partner and not keep to the commitments they make in the relationship leading to a lack of safety for you it is ok to leave.  I have had to heal from it and forgive myself in it as well and that is some deep hard work.  I write this with his (now my dog) sitting at my feet because when a person can’t care for themselves or their pet they can’t be a functioning partner in the relationship.  While my friends are getting married, I have been maid of honor and promoted to godmother. I am starting over my life and it is not planned, or expected at 28 but here I am.  Life is messy.

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Where does this all leave me a year into this journey of reflection.  I have four key takeaways from this time: 

1. If you know the victim of a crime do not tell them what they need to do and not do to heal.  They owe the perpetrator nothing, and it is up to them about the decisions that they make.  If you hear rumors about them instead of perpetuating it, get to know them,  be kind to them and don’t enhance an already horrible situation.

2. Have a space daily to think about gratitude and where there are shining lights when things are difficult.  I didn’t want to find the positive after Morgan’s death but every day there was something.  

3. Sit with the grieving individuals and if you can find the people who assisted in a traumatic situation you will be able to find some healing in that.  I sat with the young men who did CPR on Morgan until first responders came.  Surround yourself with the loved ones or people who get it.  The day after her death a dear friend who lost her mom came and picked up the pieces for me immediately.  She didn’t expect and  she didn’t try to fix - because she knew she could not fix this but she knew just being present goes a long way and for that I will always be thankful.

4. ALL friends of faith, please make sure that your statements, theology and sermons do not leave victims in harm's way and does not lead to a person staying in any unhealthy relationship.

To anyone reading this dealing with your own mess, it will take time to heal and forgive.  I have found new joys in this healing, including an art studio that has become my weekend home when my home became too painful because of the dog attack.  A group of women who have loved me, laughed with me, and let me into my own.  I am sure there will be thoughts the further I get from the past year but for now I hope for anyone reading this if you played a direct role in this past year it's a reflection of where we can all be better because our world is already so broken we don’t need to make it more broken in the process.